The Day I Cussed Out God

Operation - Heart

One day, I had enough. And I let God know it. I was standing on a chair replacing a light bulb when the glass light shade fell and exploded around me in a circle.  In my bare feet, in the center of a circle of white glass shards, I couldn’t take it anymore.  Two years of healing from my divorce, of going to counseling, a support group, of trying to believe that God had something amazing in store for me, only to see—nothing.  No more growth, no amazing vistas opening up before me, no God-given opportunities arising. Just a lonely summer, the knowledge that I was going to have to sell my house to my ex husband, and a hundred other little things that didn’t go my way.  But that exploding light cover was the last straw. The tears rolled and I started screaming. Screaming at God, asking when would it be enough? When would it FUCKING be enough? When would He be done with me?  In the midst of my rage, I wondered if He would be upset that I swore at Him. Then I laughed.  As if that was the first time He’d heard me swear. As if I was the first person to pour out my rage on Him. Still gasping through tears, the song “Praise you in this storm ” by Casting Crowns started coming out of my mouth.

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Thinking about this makes me laugh in amazement to this day.  The ridiculousness of the scene. If anyone walked by on the sidewalk outside, they could’ve hard the whole thing through the open windows.  My rage over nothing. God’s ironic comfort. What a sense of humor He has.  He probably rolled His eyes and shook His head. Here we go again.

The way someone treats you after a knock-down drag-out fight says a lot about the state of the relationship.  If, after one fight, you no longer speak to each other, the relationship wasn’t very strong in the first place.  If, after the fight, the Lover takes the Beloved in His arms and comforts her, holds her, and never holds the rage against her, that is true, unconditional, Godly love. And the relationship is stronger for it afterward.

That incident gave me a lot of confidence in Him.  His love never wavered. I haven’t sworn at Him since, although, there’s always a next time.

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